My oldest child just had a birthday and we're now done with the "little years" and into what the experts call "middle childhood". This got me thinking back to the year I found out I was pregnant with her and the many ways my life has changed since. Let's take a (slight) step back in time to our former president's first run for President, a (new) economic crisis, and my list.
"What List?" I can hear you thinking. (Or if you actually know me, "which list?") The one my newlywed husband and I made on our first married New Year's Day (totally my idea). This list contained goals: personal, professional, spiritual, family. I still have it tucked away. In the category of "family", the "long-range/5yr" plan said: "think about having a baby or adopting".
And that was all the thought I gave to a family for about 9 months. I was finishing grad school. I had an internship to complete. All A's to make (yes, I was that student). A licensure exam to study for. As I sat through my graduation that August morning, I wondered why I couldn't stay awake. At ten 'o clock in the morning. And 5 days later I found out.
The first half of the pregnancy was kind of a blur. I was shocked. Then to make things a little more complicated, my child had a congenital health problem. In learning about this baby (and seeing her at every appointment). I finally began to view myself as a mother. It wasn't that my child was ever unwanted or unloved. I was just a very immature, selfish 24-year-old who was concerned with getting to the top of her career field.
Then came the work of being a mother - the seemingly endless mundane things that must be done to keep a tiny person alive. Without sleep. (I was the person who required no curfew in high school and got made fun of in college because I wanted to be in my bed at 9:30 pm. Those were the days.)
Itwas is hard. I was am still selfish. But this was the way God chose to teach me about my selfishness. By making me aware of it every day. At first, tiny people are selfish because they have to be - they must cry so someone knows it's time to feed them. But they are also selfish because they are sinful. "Mine" and "No" are often some of the first (and most-loved) words of toddlers. Daily, I have to put my needs aside to tend the needs of my children. I fail often. But I am not that same 24-year-old.
Lots of times we pray for God to give us specific things. I can think of the things I probably asked Him during grad school - let me get this job I want (it was "helping the poor" after all), help me do well on my licensure exam, help me know what to do about this internship problem. They weren't bad prayers, but they were focused on me- what I wanted. The only way I could grow in Christ was to focus less on myself. So he gave me a gift I hadn't prayed for. A blessing not only in who she is in our family, but in drawing me closer to him. That is the kind of God we have: one who gives us gifts we don't even know we need in order to bring us closer to him.
Author's notes:
My daughter is a happy, healthy child. But those extra ultrasounds were nerve-racking. Everytime.
If this strikes a cord with you, Christianity Today recently put out a related article.
Yes, that is a dc talk reference in the title because #90sMusic
And, no, we never made another New Years List.
"What List?" I can hear you thinking. (Or if you actually know me, "which list?") The one my newlywed husband and I made on our first married New Year's Day (totally my idea). This list contained goals: personal, professional, spiritual, family. I still have it tucked away. In the category of "family", the "long-range/5yr" plan said: "think about having a baby or adopting".
And that was all the thought I gave to a family for about 9 months. I was finishing grad school. I had an internship to complete. All A's to make (yes, I was that student). A licensure exam to study for. As I sat through my graduation that August morning, I wondered why I couldn't stay awake. At ten 'o clock in the morning. And 5 days later I found out.
The first half of the pregnancy was kind of a blur. I was shocked. Then to make things a little more complicated, my child had a congenital health problem. In learning about this baby (and seeing her at every appointment). I finally began to view myself as a mother. It wasn't that my child was ever unwanted or unloved. I was just a very immature, selfish 24-year-old who was concerned with getting to the top of her career field.
Then came the work of being a mother - the seemingly endless mundane things that must be done to keep a tiny person alive. Without sleep. (I was the person who required no curfew in high school and got made fun of in college because I wanted to be in my bed at 9:30 pm. Those were the days.)
It
Lots of times we pray for God to give us specific things. I can think of the things I probably asked Him during grad school - let me get this job I want (it was "helping the poor" after all), help me do well on my licensure exam, help me know what to do about this internship problem. They weren't bad prayers, but they were focused on me- what I wanted. The only way I could grow in Christ was to focus less on myself. So he gave me a gift I hadn't prayed for. A blessing not only in who she is in our family, but in drawing me closer to him. That is the kind of God we have: one who gives us gifts we don't even know we need in order to bring us closer to him.
Author's notes:
My daughter is a happy, healthy child. But those extra ultrasounds were nerve-racking. Everytime.
If this strikes a cord with you, Christianity Today recently put out a related article.
Yes, that is a dc talk reference in the title because #90sMusic
And, no, we never made another New Years List.
"I guess I'm the kinda guy who has to find out for myself..." DC Talk. Nice.
ReplyDeleteLoved this so much. Loved hearing your heart! I needed this reminder.. "one who gives us gifts we don't even know we need in order to bring us closer to him." Miss y'all!